


The Scars of Yesteryear

by ssa_archivist



Category: Smallville
Genre: Angst, First Time, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-06-30
Updated: 2003-06-30
Packaged: 2017-11-01 08:20:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/354310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ssa_archivist/pseuds/ssa_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes our scars prevent us from going as far as we'd like.  But sometimes we just have to let go, no matter how hard it is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Scars of Yesteryear

## The Scars of Yesteryear

by Rainbow

[]()

* * *

The Scars of Yesteryear 

Authors warnings - this story deals with suicide and self-harm. If this disturbs you, then do not read it. 

Feedback - is always appreciated. 

Thanks - to Ann, my beta, any additional mistakes are mine. 

Disclaimer - I do not own the characters, nor do I claim to. 

* * *

Lex sat on the edge of his bed. His breathing was heavy from arousal and dread. He didn't understand why he hadn't thought of this before, why he hadn't stopped this earlier. He should have just said he was tired; he'd had a long day, it would have been perfectly believable. 

Clark crouched in front of Lex and took his hands, "Lex we can wait, if you're unsure, I would understand." 

Lex was tempted, but he wanted Clark so much, it had all built up to this moment. All the months of flirting and stolen glances, it was meant to be perfect. "It's not that, I just . . . ", he took a deep breath, he couldn't believe he was going to do this, "there are some things about me you don't know. It's not that I've kept them from you, no-one knows, and . . . ", Lex trailed off when he realised he was mumbling on incoherently. 

"Lex . . ." Clark began; he wanted to know what was going on. 

"I . . . I . . .", Lex stuttered, trying to make himself say it. But he couldn't. Lex closed his eyes, not wanting to see Clarks face and took his shirt off. He could almost feel the heat of Clarks gaze on him. 

Clarks confused face softened, it made sense now, understanding and comprehension dawned on him. 

"I don't want to talk about it Clark." Lex whispered. 

"Lex . . . " Clark began. 

Lex opened his eyes and looked directly into Clarks troubled blue eyes.. "Please Clark, do this for me". He whispered. He hated having to explain, having to acknowledge what he had done. He didn't want to think about it now. 

Lex calmed as he felt Clark's hand caress his cheek, and Clark's lips brush against his. He surrendered as Clark pushed him back onto the bed. 

* * *

Lex lay in bed, his eyes fixed on the ceiling, willing himself to be somewhere else, to think of something else. He tried to think of his holiday home in the Alps as a child, his favourite spot looking over the valley. If he closed his eyes he was almost there. . . 

"Lex", Clark said, distracting Lex from his attempt to escape. 

"You wouldn't understand, no-one understood." 

"Try me", Clark rolled over to face Lex. 

Lex turned onto his side to face Clark. He couldn't look Clark in the eye so he just interlinked their fingers, trying to distract himself. "I didn't want to be here, I didn't want to live", he spoke unemotionally, as if reciting a business report. "I don't why I cut myself, I just did. It was like I had to. I sat there with the knife and cried, but I still did it. I felt dead, an unemotional Luthor robot. The blood reminded me that I was alive, made me feel more alive. But it wasn't just external, internally I caused a lot of harm to myself." His voice became softer, but he still spoke with the same determination. "I abused painkillers. When my mum died and dad started grooming me to be his heir, that was when it really started. I'd take Paracetamol for the hell of it. I liked to fuzzy feeling it gave me. It made me feel out of it, on another plane. But my body adapted. Soon I took larger and larger doses and began to combine them with other drugs. Never illegal drugs though. It was ironic. I could have bought anything I wanted yet I kept to the legal stuff, made it seem less serious, less of a problem. It was worse in the summer because of my scars. I had to wear long sleeved tops and I got really frustrated because I was so warm, and more angry with myself, so to punish myself I took more pain killers, to do more damage . . . I just felt so stupid." 

Clark reached over to Lex and wiped a tear of his cheek, Lex hadn't even realised he was crying. "Did no-one notice, did you not talk to anyone?" 

Lex shook his head, his breathing was heavy and laboured, "No-one noticed because I wore long sleeved tops. I couldn't talk to anyone because I felt like such a freak. On top of my wealth and my baldness, I abused myself. I just couldn't bring myself to talk about it." Lex tried to steady his breathing, he didn't want to hyperventilate, not now. "I don't know if I wanted to die, I just didn't want to live. I went to bed each night hoping that the damage in my body was so extensive that I wouldn't wake up. Nobody understands what it feels like to know that you don't want to live, to know that you could kill yourself, and to feel so guilty for wanting to be dead. I saw the way mom's death affected everyone, how everyone mourned her. Part of me was saying they would get over me, but deep down I knew I couldn't inflict that kind of pain on anyone else. I could hurt myself, but no-one else." Lex could feel Clark's eyes on him, but he couldn't bring himself to face Clark. 

Clark cupped Lex's chin, forcing him Lex to look at him. He saw the pain in Lex's eyes, the embarrassment. He didn't want to ask the next question, but he needed to know, "and now, do you still want to die?" 

Lex averted his gaze, his eyes filling with tears. He knew he had to tell the truth, no matter how much it could hurt Clark, "Some days are better than others, when I'm with you it's better. But I still have days where I think I just can't do this, that it's all too complicated, all too much to deal with, and I feel so guilty for feeling like this . . ." , he took a deep breath, willing his breath to steady. He looked up at Clark, and saw the fear in his eyes. "Don't worry I could never inflict that kind of pain on you, no matter how much I hate myself, I could never . . . I just couldn't. I get through it, it's just a bit overwhelming sometimes, that's all." He focussed on his hands, which were still entwined with Clark's. 

"Lex look at me", Lex brought his eyes up to meet Clark's. "You know you can come round, anytime. You can ring me anytime, whenever you need to talk" 

"Your parents might find . . . " 

Clark put his hand over Lex's mouth to silence him, "You're more important than that", Clark said with conviction. "I'm here for you." 

Lex smiled weakly, "Thanks. I'm normally ok, it's just sometimes . . ." Lex looked away. 

Clark nodded, understanding what had been left unsaid. 

Lex moved to get out of bed, "I'm gonna go and wash my face." 

* * *

Lex looked in the mirror, his face was red and blotchy from crying. He splashed cold water over his face. His Luthor instincts kicked in. How could he have been so weak, so needy? Part of him wanted to go and kick Clark out right now, forget what had just happened, pretend he hadn't just told Clark everything. But deep down he knew that he wanted Clark to know, actually it was more than that he needed Clark to know. It was the part of his past he was most ashamed of, and he needed Clark to understand, to accept it. But if Lex was ashamed of himself, how would Clark feel to know that Lex used to self-harm. Would it put Clark off him to know that Lex could do that to himself? Lex's mind started to go into overdrive, he started to panic. He closed his eyes, he really couldn't deal with a panic attack on top of everything else.. 

He felt Clark's arms encircle his waist, "Lex are you ok?" 

Lex turned and put his head on Clark's chest, using Clark's heartbeat to calm his breathing. "I'm getting there." Lex said softly. "Are we ok?" He asked, fearing the answer. 

Clark used his hands to soothingly rub Lex's back. "Of course we are", he said, kissing the top of Lex's head. 

Lex looked into Clark's eyes, and smiled when he saw understanding in them, not disgust, as he had feared. He kissed Clark, "Thank you, for listening, for being you." 

Clark smiled as he took Lex's hand and pulled him towards the bedroom. "Shut up and come to bed." 

* * *

Clark lay there in the dark listening to his lover's whimpers in his sleep. Lex was obviously having nightmares, but every time Clark reached out to touch Lex, he rolled farther away, towards the edge of the king size bed. Clark was at a loss for what to do. He himself couldn't sleep. His mind was trying to grasp what Lex had told him earlier this evening. Clark couldn't comprehend suicide. He supposed it was because of the way he was brought up. Life was always sacred, even his, an alien life. Whereas Lex had no doubt seen many a life destroyed at the hands of his father - be that physical destruction or emotional destruction. He looked over, Lex finally seemed to have calmed down, and was lying still, in Lex's head the nightmare was obviously over. 

* * *

Lex's eyes flickered open as he found he couldn't ignore the piercing sunlight any longer. He was content to lie there staring at the ceiling, wishing last night to have been a bad dream 

Last night had been hard for him, to allow someone to see that much of him, emotionally. It had brought to the surface many of his hidden fears, which were mirrored in his nightmares. His dreams had been scarily vivid. He remembered various images, people whispering behind his back, ripping his sleeves off to show his scars. He remembered the panicky feeling and the calm he felt when, in his dream, he had gone home, found his gun, and shot himself. He remembered Clark coming and laughing over his body with embarrassment, "He wasn't worth anything, he wanted to die anyway." He felt Clark's hand slide over his abdomen, pulling him back to reality. He found himself facing Clark's, worried, face. 

Clark looked into Lex's eyes, "Are you OK?" 

Lex put on a fake smile, "Yeah, I'm fine." He leaned into kiss Clark, hoping to distract him one way or another. 

After a minute, Clark pulled away, "Were you having nightmares last night?" 

Lex sighed with exasperation, "I don't want to talk about it." 

"Lex . . ." Clark began to argue back. 

" So I used to have problems, it's no big deal". Lex said with more vehemence than he had intended. Lex cursed internally when he saw Clarks wounded expression, by way of an apology he brought his hand up to caress Clarks cheek. 

"Lex I was worried, every time I went to touch you, you instinctively turned away. You seemed to be really wound up, you wouldn't settle. What were you dreaming about?" 

Lex looked straight into Clark's eyes and lied, "Clark, I was asleep, I don't remember." He couldn't tell Clark about his nightmares, it was too much. 

Clark could tell Lex was lying, there was something dark hidden in his eyes. "You can't just dismiss what you said last night, you have to face it. We have to talk about it." 

"I have done, I've told you. Surely that's enough." Lex said. 

Clark shook his head. 

Seeing Clark was about to answer back, Lex leaned in and captured Clark's mouth in a rough, passionate kiss. He brought his body right up against Clark's and leaned in to whisper, "Please, let's not do this now." 

Clark nodded willing to let it drop. 

"So you're my lover now", Lex said, trying to lighten the mood. He smiled when he saw Clark's grin. Lex didn't want to deal with his problems now, so he concentrated on more _pressing_ matters. 

* * *

Lex lay in his bed, his head resting against Clark's chest, listening to his solid heartbeat. He felt safe, like everything was going to be OK. Maybe he could do this, have an honest, monogamous, normal-ish relationship. 

Maybe. 

Maybe not. 


End file.
